I started this blog a few months back to give myself a creative outlet to help my stress, anxiety and depression. It certainly has helped me and it certainly has been an outlet, but I've said very little on the main topic of Bipolar Disorder. It has turned mainly into a mental workshop for my ideas concerning politics, world events, religion and life in general. But nothing very personal.
I don't want to get into the whole story, it's far too long for this post, but anyone else with this disorder knows how horrible things can be at times. The extreme shifts in mood and thinking, suicidal thoughts mixed with grandiose fantasies. Constant meds and weight gain. Constant ignorance from outside and dealing with a stigma about mental illness, that while shrinking...is still very present in the minds of most people who have not experienced it.
I also sawed into my arm with a dull butcher knife and 2days later(in my infinite wisdom) decided to take a red hot pair of scissors to my arm.... twice. I think in an attempt to express the INSANE mental pain I was going through. All I can say is it seemed like a good idea at the time. lol Now I don't only have a scar, I have a f'n brand haha
This summer was the first time in 6 or 7 years that I've been able to get out of my apartment almost every day. So while I've been doing better in that regard, things are still very rocky and uncertain. I still have been alone for all these years with the exception of 3 weeks. I feel like I can't escape this seemingly meaningless routine and am resigned to some unknown fate...even though I don't really believe in that ;)
I'm on Lithium now, but it's hard to take all my meds on time because of my crazy sleeping schedule. I think I've only had one night since August where I slept for more than 3 hours at a time. And constant nightmares...jesus. But oddly I seem to feel better when I'm like this. Perhaps a sign of hypo-mania? Or just a lot on my mind. I never know, but am sick of self-analyzing and diagnosing, regardless. I am taking an SSRI which is a big no-no, but I think it gives me the boost I need to get over my agraphobia.
I'm very close to finishing the application process for school and think I'll probably be starting online courses in January...so not all is bad. I just have to keep at it.
I will try to follow up with some more bipolar topics for any of you who have come to read about that.....
And anyone with depression/BP/anxiety or anything similar.....please don't be a stranger. I dont really know anyone with these sorts of issues outside of a few at a centre where I sometimes volunteer. It would be nice to read and follow someone else's blog and talk about similar experiences. best wishes to any of you reading now. You are stronger than you think.....
CK